he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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