He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
