it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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