Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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