Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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