I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
