Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
