VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
