We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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