I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
be right there i have to get my cape
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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