I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
