sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
