Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Alive.
So much puke
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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