I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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