Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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