Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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