my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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