then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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