Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
