I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
