my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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