Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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