I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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