Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
