Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
