If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
