Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
