I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
