My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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