I think I won the penis lottery.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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