I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
