Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
