i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
