Define "chronic" masturbator.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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