So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
