I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
