Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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