ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
you will always have a special place in my vag
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
