Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I need to align my fucking chakras
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
