I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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