I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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