I could make wine with my vomit
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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