Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
