I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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