i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize