I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I am never drinking with the goths again.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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