Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
