I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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