If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
