you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
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I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
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Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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