got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
