The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
