the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
