a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
i now understand why vodka
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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