I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
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Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
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she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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