i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
