I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
