How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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