Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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