nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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