well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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