Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
